


Wait, You Can Like Women?

by vwiolet



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Arranged Marriage, Coming of Age, F/F, Lesbian, No Lesbians Die, idk but youll see, ill add more tags as I go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:33:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22261123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vwiolet/pseuds/vwiolet
Summary: I know what I want to say to Gale when the time comes. He’s meant a lot to me. We were great allies, companions, and I am so grateful for that. If I’m being honest, I don’t think I could have made it without him. I owe him so much, but I feel that I’ve repaid him as much as I can. Do I still feel like I owe him? Of course. I owe him what he wants, but I just… can’t give it to him. I never want to get married. I never want to have kids. I never want to have a boyfriend. Besides, the Capitol has decided that Peeta will be my husband and my children’s father for me. Even if I wanted to give Gale what he wants, I couldn’t.
Relationships: Katniss Everdeen/Madge Undersee
Comments: 6
Kudos: 28





	1. The SHow

**Author's Note:**

> i have a mighty need for madniss and no one else is going to fill that need cause the fandoms dead and also the fandom was full of 12 yos that didnt know what a lesbian was so now i make the lesbianisms signed a lesbian

The wedding. God, the Quarter Quell has been announced, but the wedding is going to happen before we go to fight to the death. Effie called to tell me this “wonderful” news. The Capitol wants to see a wedding, our big day, our one last bit of happiness, before the Games ruins it for us. It’s disgusting. Revolting. This is just a big TV drama to them. We’re not real people. They see us as just characters on a screen that they can make dance on command. 

I hate that I’ve lost my agency. I want to be able to be me and do what I want when I want. What do I want? I want to not get married. I want to not have to suffer through another Games to my certain death. I want to… to… not have to be with Peeta. Maybe as a friend, but not like this. I don’t love him. Certainly not how he loves me. I just don’t love him. I care for him, yes, but not love.

Do I love anyone? Am I capable of love? Wait, I love Prim. I do love Prim and my mother too. I can love. I know that there are more people that I love out there, but who are they? Do I love Gale? Can I love Gale? Even without the pressure to distance myself from him? I think I do, but not in the way he loves me. Never in the way that he loves me. Is there anyone else? Haymitch? I have a respect for him, but I wouldn’t necessarily call that love. 

What about Madge? Madge. I have so many feelings for Madge that I’m not sure how to process. She’s the only friend I have it feels like. Sure, I have Gale, but I wonder if he’s really my friend or if he’s only around because he’s in love with me. I want to say he’s my friend, but I’m not sure. But Madge. I know she’s my friend. That’s the only thing that I’m sure of in the moment. 

Do I love her? I think I do. I hope that she loves me the same way. I want to tell her this before I leave for the games. That I love her. I want her to know. I want her to know that her kindness, compassion, friendship is not lost on me. 

I’m sitting on the edge of my bed and staring off into the distance while I think. At some point, Prim has come in. I didn’t realize because I was so deep in thought. She puts her hand on my shoulder and gives me a shake. I come to with a start. Her hand flies away from me as she jumps as well. 

“Sorry, Prim. I’ve got a lot on my mind after that call from Effie. You caught me off guard,” I explain.

She gives me a sympathetic smile. You can tell she’s trying to stay strong about the prospect of the games for me. “I know. Can you tell me what Effie said on the phone? Is it something else about the games?”

Oh, right. I hadn’t talked to anyone after that call. “Effie wanted to give me the news that the wedding was going to happen before the games. I guess those pretty dresses won’t go to waste.” I give a half hearted smile.

“Oh! That’s good, isn’t it?” Prim is actually smiling now.

I give an awkward shrug of my shoulders and make a face that can only be described as pained. The smile falls from Prim’s face. She lets out a soft, “oh,” and leaves it at that. We sit in silence for a moment. I’m not sure of what to say to her, and she isn’t sure what to say to me either. 

After a moment, she broke the silence. “Mom sent me here to tell you that dinner was ready. She wanted you to eat before it got cold.”

I nod my head. “Yeah, I’ll go in a minute. You run ahead and eat, okay?” I feel sick to my stomach, so I’m not sure if I can eat.

My sister nods and turns to leave the room. I am left by myself, alone with my thoughts. I have so many swirling ideas in my head, I’m not sure what to do with them. I simply shake my head to clear them, then push myself up to go get dinner. I will likely be able to hold down some food if I can make myself eat it.

After dinner, I hear a knock at the door. “I’ll get it.” I leave the rocking chair I’m sitting in, and open the door. I should have known Peeta would show up to discuss the wedding. Why wouldn’t he?

“I’m guessing Effie gave you the news, too.” Peeta speaks casually. This is just another day for the star crossed lovers after all. 

I nod my head. “Yes, she told me. Said it was absolutely wonderful news. I know the Capitol will love it.” I leave the door and wave Peeta inside. It’s too cold out to be outside for long, especially with him wearing such light clothing.

Peeta takes his place on the sofa and looks around at all of us. “I’m not guessing you can stand your ground to get us not married, Mrs. Everdeen?” There’s a slight chuckle. He’s trying to lighten the grave mood.

My mother gives a faint laugh, “The president will take no notice of my complaints. I wish I could stop it.”

We sit in silence for a few more moments while Prim turns on the TV. The same news reports rattle on like nothing else in the world is happening. There seems to be rumors that the wedding is going to happen on the day of the reaping. Joy.

“Are they really going to have me married and reaped on the same day? That just seems sadistic. It’s vile. I know they’re milking the star crossed lovers story for all it’s worth, but that’s just a bit cruel. I know the people of the capitol will despise it as much as I do. Right, Peeta?” I rattle on.

Peeta says, “You’re right. They’re not making a very good love story to sell. What’s next? Call the games our honeymoon?”

I scoff. 

All four of us continue to watch the news broadcast. Something about a vote on my dress again. I forgot they were doing that. I wonder what dress they will pick. Prim said she likes the one that required a lot of greenery for the backdrop. I have no opinion because what I like doesn’t matter. It’s what the Capitol likes that matters. It’s always about what the Capitol wants. Never what I want, what the districts want, what my family wants. Always the Capitol. The ones who’s lives are riddled with constant wants because all of their needs are never at risk of not being met. It makes me sick.

“I’m going to my room. I don’t feel well.” I head out of the room, away from everyone, away from my soon to be husband. I don’t want anyone to follow me. I just want to be alone.

I shut the door behind me and slip under my covers fully clothed. I pull the sheets over my head and curl in on myself. I just want to escape this life. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to be with Madge. She understands me. She doesn’t have to be my family. I can just care for her without any familial relation. 

I am about to peek my head out when I hear a knock at the door and Peeta’s voice calling me. I stay quiet and stop moving. I hope that he leaves. I don’t want to deal with him anymore today. Another knock. I give a groan in response. I’m not sure if he heard me or not, but I do hear him turn around and leave. There is no more knocking at my door. I am filled with relief.

My head comes out from under the covers to look around my room. I think for a moment on if I want to see Madge now or later. Now. I want to see her now. 

I don’t want to risk running into Peeta again, so I’ll go through the backdoor and around the Victors Village. I grab my boots and a coat and am on my way. When I breathe, my breath comes out in white puffs. It’s freezing out here. I should have brought Cinna’s gloves with me as well, but I didn’t think that far ahead. It’s only a short walk, though. I’ll be fine.

I find myself standing in front of Madge’s home. I knock on the door and wait for an answer. Her father opens the door. He gives a smile when he sees my face. “Madge is upstairs in her room. You know where it is. Be quiet, though. Her mother has a headache.”

I thank him and scurry off to Madge’s room. Her door is open and I see her sitting on her bed with a book in hand. I knock on the door frame to catch her attention. She looks up from the book and a big smile is on her face. I’m glad someone’s happy to see me. 

“Come in. We can talk if you just come in already.” Madge is waving me to her bed. She always manages to bring a smile on my face. Only two people can do that and she is one of them.

I take a seat next to her on the bed. “What are you reading? Is it that book you mentioned the day before about the cowboy who falls in love with the outlaw he’s hunting? Or have you finished that already.”

“Oh, I finished that yesterday. This is a new one. It’s about a woman who finds herself stranded in a wasteland back in the 1800’s. She’s left with only the clothes on her back and her wits. It’s starting pretty slowly, but I am enjoying it so far.” She continues to talk about her book. 

I love the way her eyes crinkle up when she talks about something she’s excited about. It makes my heart flutter. She’s starting to get very animated and talk with her hands. Her blonde hair gets pushed over her shoulder and tucked behind her ear. I get caught up watching her hands move and wish that she’d touch me with that kind of care. She always has such a delicate way of handling things, as if they might break. I adore it. I continue to focus more on her movements than her words. I nod my head and look her in the eye only to quickly look away. 

Her beautiful blue eyes always take me by surprise. They’re bright unlike my gray ones. I can look at hers and see why so many of her books spend paragraphs complimenting the shade of someone’s eyes. Hers are the stuff of fairytales. Such a deep blue, like looking into sea water during a storm. I only steal glances at her eyes for fear of staring and making her uncomfortable. 

I’ve found other ways to admire her. I watch her hands move as she talks. The way her fingers tap at an invisible surface and point it out. The roll of her wrist as she moves from point A to point B. There’s so many things she does that just intrance me that she doesn’t even realize. 

I’m too caught up appreciating her that I’ve lost track of what she was saying. I’m brought back by her voice calling my name. “Katniss? Katniss, are you listening?”

I give a short shake of my head to bring myself back. “Yes, I’m listening. Are  _ you _ listening?”

She smiles that close mouthed smile that makes me blush. “Of course I am. You were busy staring off into space, so I wanted to be sure you hadn’t tuned me out. If you didn’t want to hear about my story, just tell me.”

“Oh, no. I do want to hear your story. I like hearing you talk,” I say.

“Okay, good. Let me continue.” She gets right back to her story and now I’m watching the way her lips form around each and every word. I wonder what her lips feel like. I wonder how they’d feel against mine.

I quickly snap myself away from that train of thought. I am engaged to Peeta, albeit, against my will. But he is still going to be my husband. Besides, a girl can’t think about kissing another girl. That just doesn’t happen. Girls don’t kiss girls.

Maybe, just maybe, I can start. Before I have the brains to stop myself, I lean forward and press a chaste kiss to her lips. It’s nothing like the kisses I’ve given Peeta. This one I actually wanted to give. It feels nice. I feel a warm, bubbly feeling in my chest. I also feel Madge’s hands wrap around my neck. She’s pulling me closer and kissing me back. My eyes fall closed as I let myself enjoy this kiss. 

Then, she pulls away. I chase after her and kiss her again. She starts laughing. Well, more giggling than laughing, but I still enjoy the sound of it. I open my eyes to see what she’s laughing about. She looks so happy and her laughing is infectious, so I start giggling as well. 

She has me pulled close to her on her bed and we’re laughing like old friends. This is nice. 


	2. Discussions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> katniss and peeta have a talk before she runs to discuss something to haymitch. haymitch brings something up that katniss never knew could happen.

It’s been a few days since I last saw Madge. I don’t know what came over me when I kissed her. I’m sure it meant that I think of her as a close friend. Of course that’s what it meant. It couldn’t mean anything else. Besides, I have bigger problems to deal with. The wedding is planned a week before the reaping. Two days before the wedding, Peeta and I will be escorted to the Capitol to give us time to get there and be properly made up for the occasion. Our teams will be on the train to start the process of making us beautiful. I’ve spoken with Cinna about some of the specifics. The look will be similar to that of the photoshoot, but president Snow has asked for a few tweaks to be made to the makeup. I was sent a picture of the new makeup design and it looks the same to the old. I don’t know what was changed, but it doesn’t matter in the end.

Peeta and I haven’t exactly talked since that night. I’ve seen him in passing and given him a nod of acknowledgement, but that’s the extent of our communication. I know it must be hurting him for us to get married. I can’t fully understand his pain, but I know it’s there nonetheless. I thought he wanted to marry me, so at first I didn’t see the big deal, but Haymitch told me that he wanted it to happen differently. I understand it slightly better, but still not fully. 

I’m sure he’ll get over it at some point. We don’t have much longer to live anyways. I don’t at least. He’ll be fine once I’m gone. No one can miss me too terribly. They’ll be thankful to be alive with no further threat of my existence being their undoing. Everything will be fine. I hope.

My walk is closing to an end. I had left my home to spend some time by myself. It’s only me and my mother at the house for now. Prim is at school and isn’t due back for another few hours. Mother tried to talk to me about the wedding, but I didn’t answer any of her questions. I gave half answers or simply shook my head to dismiss it. I can tell she’s unhappy with my silence, but I can’t make myself say anything more. So this walk came to be.

I didn’t have a destination in mind when I left. I was walking aimlessly around to get away from it all. On this walk, I went from Victor's Village to townsquare to the tree by the fence that I used to get back after that one day of hunting. I was now standing underneath its branches and looking up. The branches were bare. The only thing alive among them was the wind. They swayed back and forth, too and fro. I was getting lost in the sight of it. 

Then I was pulled back into reality by a voice calling my name. “Katniss! Katniss, we need to talk.” 

I look to the source of the voice and it was Peeta. I did not want to have whatever conversation about the wedding with him of all people. I knew I would have to eventually, but eventually did not mean now. So I walked past him. He reached to grab my arm to stop me, but I continued on my way.

His grip stayed firm and his glare was sharp. “Katniss. We need to talk about this. Have an actual conversation sooner rather than later. We have a week before we leave.”

I jerked my arm out of his grasp. “We went the entirety of the time between us winning and the victory tour without talking, so I think we’ll be fine this time.” My voice is cold.

Peeta sighs, “We did, but we need to be better put together for this one. We need to act like a happy couple. Both of us. I can’t keep this act up all by myself. We need to be seen together, and not just passing each other in the street. We need to act like a happy couple. You know how things went during the interviews and everyone in the district said we were rarely together.” 

“You can’t expect me to act like I’m happy about this. We’re all going to die once this wedding is over, so I’m going to die having lived how I want to. You can’t make me live any other way.” I roll my eyes as I speak. 

Peeta’s hand falls back down to his side. “I know you hate this. I hate it too. The thing is, I don’t want my family to die if we fail. I know you don’t want your family to suffer either, but if you keep treating me so coldly, both of our families aren’t going to make it either. Gale included.”

Gale again. Everyone thought I was in love with Gale. I am not. He is a companion, a coworker. He is someone who helped me survive as a child as I was to him. We aren’t lovers like everyone seems to think. It’s infuriating. 

I turn back to face Peeta and my eyes are filled with rage. “Look. Just because Gale and I have known each other for many years, does  _ not _ mean we are anything more. You need to understand that. He is not some threat to our ‘love.’ He is an ally.”

Peeta looks just as upset as I am. “We don’t need to have a talk about what someone is to you out in the open. There could be people watching.” His voice turns to a whisper. “Or there could be cameras. We both don’t need cameras picking up our lover’s quarrel.” 

He’s right. I bite my tongue to hold back any sort of foul words I have to say. After I collect myself, I sigh. “Fine. We can save this chat for somewhere else.” 

He gives a nod as he mulls over his words. “What about the hob? It’s always loud and no one will notice two more talking. If there were any cameras there, it would have been torn down already.” 

He’s right. That would be a good place to talk. We could sit down at Greasy Sae’s stand and have something to eat as a cover up. It could seem like we were on a, I hate to say this, date. “You’re right.”

“Glad we’re on the same page. Let’s go. Now.” Oh. This was something that could not be saved for a later date. This was going to be fun.

Peeta had gripped my wrist so hard it hurt. My eyes flick from his white knuckled grip to his face. His face was serious and his features sharp as the sun cast shadows on him. He looked much older than when we were just kids in our first games. It wasn’t even a year ago when we became victors and he’s already grown so much. It’s fascinating watching a boy turn into a man before my eyes. Sometimes I get a fleeting glimpse of what people want me to see in Peeta, then the lighting shifts and I am forced to see him as the scared child he is. 

I don’t have too long to shuffle through these thoughts before he tugs me to follow him to the hob. I grumble and attempt to yank my wrist out of his grip. It’s futile, but I continue to resist anyway. Once we are at the hob’s doors, he allows me some freedom. His hand releases me and I put it back by my side. As we walk through the warehouse, I exchange nods with everyone there. Ripper, Purnia, and Darius are all at their usual spots. 

We sit ourselves at Greasy Sae’s booth. I give a quiet greeting to her and Peeta slides the coins her way. We are presented with two bowls of deer stew. I’m simply happy to see it’s not a wild dog we’re eating today. I dig in before Peeta can speak, but he does anyway. 

“Katniss, we need to think about how we’re going to handle this wedding. Effie told me we need to write our vows for each other for starters. We’ll have everything else planned for us and won’t need to worry about anything other than that. She said we will have meetings with her to help us write them. Haymitch is going to be useless in this department. He’s already lost everyone he loves, so this will be opening an old wound that never healed to begin with.”

I have already begun to tune out what Peeta is saying. Vows. Yes, we need to write vows, but I have nothing to say. Effie will likely write mine for me. She knows how to write a convincing enough love letter that the Capitol will enjoy. The main problem I will have is reading it in a convincing manner. 

I used to be able to read stories to Prim in a way that kept her enraptured, but can I tell a story to the Capitol’s citizens in a way to convey that I’m sincere while I’m really apathetic about it? Likely not. Peeta has always been the talented actor of our pair, but he won’t be able to carry me through this one. I need to sound genuine as well. I will likely sound like I’m reading a textbook. This will not help us gain sponsors once the games begin. 

“Katniss. Katniss?” A hand on my shoulder brings me back to attention. Peeta is looking irate due to my lack of attention. I don’t know what he expects of me.

“What? I was listening.” I shoot him a glare in return. This likely isn’t helping our story of being lovers to our fellow District 12 citizens. 

Peeta’s face is devoid of amusement. “I know you weren’t listening. You had a blank face while shoveling food into your mouth. I bet you can’t even tell me how the deer tastes.”

He’s right. I didn’t even realize I was eating while I was lost in thought. “Then quiz me.” I will likely fail that quiz, but I’ll give a valiant effort.

“Name one thing I suggested you write in your vows,” Peeta said.

…It’s time to use every bit of smarts I have to figure this out. “You suggested I mention how I fell for you when you threw me that burnt bread.” He didn’t say that. I know that, but it’s worth a shot.

He simply shakes his head as he stirs his soup. After a moment of doing that, he puts down the spoon and makes direct eye contact with me. “Just do what Effie says. I want to keep us alive. I know that both of us won’t be able to survive the games this time, but I want you to. I-”

I know what he’s going to say, so I stop him. “You are going to win. I’m making sure of it. I know that you will do the rest of the district well. You have a family as well. You’ll keep this district from crumbling into nothingness.” I don’t mention that he’ll likely care for my family as well. The winnings for the district will keep them well for the year to come.

He sighs and takes my free hand. “You don’t realize that I won’t have anything to live for if you die. You mean everything to me, and I won’t be able to go on without you.” His tone is sincere. I can tell it’s not just to make others believe his words. He means it. It makes me feel sick to my stomach, so I push my bowl away.

I don’t say anything in return. I can’t handle hearing how in love with me he is. I can’t return it, and it makes me angry that I can’t. He wants so much from me. Everyone wants so much from me. I can only provide so much and it makes me angry that I can’t do what is expected of me. I was able to do so much when I was younger, but now… I’ve done everything I can. My last good deed is to give Peeta the rest of his life to live. I owe him that much.

I push myself to stand up. This conversation is over. “I have to go.” I turn to Greasy Sae, “Thank you for the meal.” She gives me a nod as I turn away. I can hear Peeta calling after me. The frustration is clear in his voice, but I keep walking. He doesn’t try to follow me, thank god. 

I find myself at Haymitch’s door. He never locks it, so I let myself in. I look across his living room. It’s much cleaner than before. Hazelle must have done her cleaning within the last day. I’m glad that Haymitch still has her on the job. I poke my head into the kitchen to see there is no sign of him in there. There are a few empty liquor bottles, so he was here recently. 

I walk through the house and hear groaning in the bathroom. He must be having a rough wake up from his previous drinking. I knock on the door and am met with another groan and a slurred, “Go away.” I ignore that and push the door open. He’s laying on the floor next to the toilet. He’s covered in his own vomit and is a sweaty mess. He looks like more of a mess than usual.

“Can’t hold your liquor?” I ask. 

He opens his eyes to look at me and gives a scowl. I ignore it and grab a towel from the cabinet above the toilet to clean him with. I kneel on the ground, towel in hand, and wipe some of the sweat off his face. He bats at my hand, but I continue despite it. He relents and allows me to clean him. 

“We need to get you out of this shirt. It’s filthy. If you keep it on, you might actually get ill instead of hungover.” There’s no response to my words. He doesn’t so much as shift to sit up. It looks like I’ll have to pull him up myself. I’ve put on enough weight and muscle since winning to lift him. 

He groans and swears at me during the process. His already pale face manages to lose even more color once he’s upright and leaning against the wall. I peel the shirt off him and toss it in the bathtub. I’ll give it to Hazelle to wash later.

Now that he’s cleaner than before, I begin talking. “I’m not here to make sure you’re alive. I’m here to tell you I want Peeta to survive.”

He gives me a piercing glare. “You only know come to me? When the games were first announced, Peeta made a beeline to tell me he wanted you to win. It shows how much you care for the boy.” He pauses. “He really loves you.”

That last sentence makes me sick. More sick than the smell of bile and body odor. I choose to ignore the last of what he said. “I had to think some things over,” I lie. “If he gets chosen as tribute, you take his place. If he volunteers, do everything you can to make sure he wins. I don’t care for my own life. I want him to live his.”

“He wants me to focus on your survival so you win.” His voice is rough and harsh. “Who am I supposed to favor?” I can still manage to hear the sarcasm. It was practically dripping from his every word.

My voice remains flat. “You know Peeta is the better out of us. He has so much he can do with his life, so many people he can help. If you want someone to be nice to you, Peeta is the one to do it. I have no kindness left in me.” The only kindness I have for anyone is reserved for my sister. 

And maybe Madge. I don’t need to think about Madge now. I have too much going on to decipher how I feel towards her. I have lives on the line. I don’t need to get caught up in thoughts that will only hurt others. I need to minimize the destruction I can cause. Despite how much I want to figure out why I feel this way, I can’t. I have a wedding I need to worry about, a game I have to rig. 

Haymitch has been talking to me and finally snaps his fingers in my face. I rapidly blink my eyes to bring myself back to the current time. “What?”

“You’re preoccupied with something. Is it Gale? Your secret lover.” His voice is venomous. 

I make a face of disgust. “No. Why would it be Gale?”

“Or better yet. Is the Mayor’s daughter?” Now it’s my turn to lose color. He laughs, “People took notice that you went to his mansion, and word’s gone around that something happened. I don’t know what exactly, but people said something about you spending a lot of time with the girl.”

I turn away, refusing to make eye contact with him. “Nothing happened. She’s my friend. What could even happen? We’re both girls after all.”

He seems to have some form of realization and groans. “Are you that sheltered? Being girls doesn’t stop anything. Hell, when I was younger and still had a heart, I dated a boy myself.”

I turn back and look at him in shock. He dated a man? A man can date a man? You can do that? Haymitch laughs at me, so my expression turns sour. That only makes him laugh more. “It’s a thing. Back before the Dark Days, it was a more talked about thing for a man to date a man or a woman to date a woman. But after the Capitol won, they hammered in the idea that that was disgusting. It didn’t stop me though. I knew what I was at risk for, but I did it anyway. Snow saw about destroying any love I could get, especially with the boy I was with.” His face turns dark as he thinks about it. It almost pains me.

“So. You think Madge and I…” I trail off. 

“Yes, I think that you and Madge may be together in some sense of the word.” He spits that out like he’s explaining a very simple concept to someone who’s old enough to know. I suppose I am old enough to know. 

I give only one word in response. “Oh.” I don’t know what else to say. 

He gives a very loud laugh. I’m sure everyone in the district could hear him. I hide my face to keep the embarrassed flush out of his line of sight. That only makes him laugh more. 

I ball up the towel and throw it in his face. He has enough sense about him to throw it on the ground. While he’s distracted, I get up and start for the door. He calls out to me, “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”


End file.
